We like the Law and Order shows, especially when the team is Goren and Eames, and surprisingly, last night’s episode (about a brilliant chess player gone madly murderous years after his brief heyday when at 12 he’d been called a grandmaster) had never been seen by us. I hung in there for the last pithy line after he was arrested and carted off, which is always either pithy or a bon mot, and it had Goren saying to Eames, “When you’re stopped from doing something you love, it can drive you insane.” They both paused a moment, nodded, and walked off.
Ever have a feeling that sometimes you weren’t just watching a show to kill time, but were supposed to hear something — like that last one-word line in Al Pacino’s “Two Bits” movie. He says to his grandson — commands him, actually, as he lets roll that which he had hung onto for the boy: “Want.” That line destroyed my reserve, because my mom had recently passed away and even Hallmark card commercials could destroy my reserve, but also because I am ever torn between wanting, and giving it up. There’s no way my mom would’ve ever commanded me to want. Nor would any other saint. Yet the whole world would prefer me to want, it seems — including my own family members.
I don’t want, but I want to, if that makes any sense to you. Like a refugee in some other country that doesn’t really want you, I want to want, but made the choice to give it up.
And indeed, being stopped from doing something you love can drive you insane. Well, maybe not you or me, but certainly for many others it can plant the crazy-seed.
Is there something you feel you’ve been stopped from doing that is taking you down? What is it? Can you do something different but which is similarly crucial and healthy food for your journey?